The Beloved is a war-torn veteran, who is looking for a new peaceful life far from the battlefield. The war has torn him so much that he became loner, rather paranoid and develops a rare obsession about data…an effect called Combat Fatigue. He try so hard to cure this with a little effect because…..sadly….the war always looking for him

The Beloved is a pacifist; always try to avoid conflict with anyone or anything. If everything can be solved with a diplomatic way, he prefers to do it rather than an open frontal way. He always tried to maintain balance & his neutrality. However, this doesn’t mean he can’t fight…he just don’t want to. The Beloved can be your most truthful friend who will die for you & your cause and The Beloved can be your worst enemy who will make sure you suffer & die smoothly.

Some says The Beloved were frightening. This is due his nature as a shell for something he doesn’t want to reveal. He always says that his purpose of life is to seal something, and he is quite ready to be called back (that how he described death). He also says that he just waiting his visa to be signed.

The Beloved was a family man. He will protect and care his beloved one to the death even beyond it because, for him that is what remains from his belonging. He says we can buy house, we can acquired wealth, we can takeover a nation, but a good happy family is a gift from God and to maintain it is one hell of a job.

The Beloved now were looking for someone who will succeed him.He just wants to pass his knowledge.He himself feel that he is growing too old and need to settle down continuing life as it is.His days are now counted although he never knows when it ends.

The Beloved was a commando unit,able to work alone on any multiple tasks without the help of others.The world has taught him to grow up like that, to trust no one,to be always perfectionist,to set a high standard in everything,and to maintain “I can do it by myself” kind of attitude.Sadly,all of his ability comes with a terrible price, his lack of social and interpersonal skill.He like to be alone and stay in the shadow,watching people passing by.He keep his grief, pain and suffering to himself Nobody know what happened to him until suddenly they see him lying on a hospital bed, with a bloody arms and said “I’m okay,never been to better than this” or until suddenly he collapse in a bench with a pain in his face but he keep smiling & said “don’t worry,just an error in my system,it’ll better soon”.

The Beloved lack of social and interpersonal skill cost him greatly in many social situations.That’s why he spend most of his time alone in a solitary place.He decided to be alone not because he hate people,but because he not used to people or to life inside a group.He always had been an outsider for most of his life until now.He live alone and he die alone.People for him is a new experience.

The Beloved's wars were far from over although most of the people said that the war for his generation is already over.He himself was also tired from this war but sadly,he can’t quit now because he still has mission to do as a sweeper for his generation.And he just want to atone from his past sin,that maybe there is a salvation out there for his soul

<< March 2007 >>
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Toward so many door, we find our way, our self, our home........toward so many thing we find our place, our way here in the world

Life is just a way, a way toward some place, toward some time, toward some mission........and finally toward our home

Toward the path, we faces what we have to face.........we can't run away from it, we can't hide from it.........when the time comes


Friend, Associates, Minna, Tomodachi

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    Monday, March 26, 2007
    Radicalism that lead to terrorism…a boomerang to Islam?

    Lately when I saw the news, I saw jilbab and a couple of Moslem attribute were banned in some country. To my surprise, many of the country who banned Moslem attribute where a democratic based country, even democratic theory establish country such as France and England were freedom of opinion were uphold by the law. Does something happen? Because I recognize this country had a great tolerance toward many religion and freedom of opinion…and suddenly, they became strict toward one religion called Islam. Then I realize these phenomena started when the terrorism cases rise to the surface especially since 9/11 and Bali Bombing that create a massive shock throughout the world as we know it. Suddenly, the rather peace, tolerant and democratic country in Europe where transformed into red alert fortress nation.


    Do they have right to do it? I say, yes, they do have that right especially to protect their country, their people, their identity, and themselves from this kind of unfamiliar treat called terrorism. Do we have a right to protest when one of the religion attribute were banned in their country? I also say yes, we do have the right to protest because if you are talking about religion you are talking about personal faith. However, unknown to us, the impact were far more than we ever know.


    I believe they banned the attribute not because they do not like that attribute but because they are afraid, afraid that the attribute were the sign of radicalism that will turn into terrorism.


    Why do they have to afraid because a simple attribute like jilbab or anything of that sort?


    Because most of the people in the radical fanatical Islamic movement were using that attribute as a sign of themselves, their superior quality above anything, their steadfast faith above anything and their goal of how human must act only and only by their religion rule without even think that there is so many different race, gender, religion and personal thinking of human race.


    Do those radical Islamic movements wrong? I do not want to make a comment because they get mad of me if I say they are wrong besides their always view themselves as the rightist and holiest movement in the world as other radical fanatical movement would do. And above all, they are damned stone-headed stubbornness always made me amaze that I think I prefer not to comment about anything in front of them


    Nevertheless, to me, this kind of movement make things worst, not better. Okay, if I want to think about it, I know their idealistic utopist goal were quiet good, even great in this still-not-a-peace world. To created a world of peace and harmony in God’s law were definitely a great idea because if that happen, there will be a prosperous era. However, the methods of the realization were far from God’s ways. By pressing and subjugated people to follow our ways of thinking, our religion as the most right, the most holy of all with any kind of ways, were not written in any of known religion today even Islam. If they say that, it is written on the prophet Muhammad sunnah I believe there are some mistake interpretation here because all I know there are not religion in the world legalized that kind of action not even Islam. All I know, Islam were a peace-based religion, not a barbaristic, sadistic, war-based religion that terrorized people.


    To tell the truth, not only non-Moslem feel insecure, most of the Moslem were also threatened as well. Some of my friend who is not on the radical side but wearing jilbab “because they feel they are called by their own faith to wear it” said that it is hard for them to travel to many countries now especially country that had been targeted by radical fanatical movement to study when the government knows that they were Islam. Many of them whom already have a nice scholarship in that country, thinking to use it to make a better day for their country and environment but got difficulties with the authority just because they are Moslem and wearing jilbab. Many of my friends in America say that they got quiet bad prejudice just because they were a Moslem, because most of the American associates Moslem with the hijackers of 9/11. It’s that all? Nope, those bad lists continue to grow as the world still cursing Taliban regime for the destruction of great quantity and quality of archaeological artifact because it is not Islamic as they know it.


    My father said that the recent uprising toward Islam were an impact of dishonesty on the imam, ustadz, kyai, or ulama because they are using the interpretation of The Quran for their own personal benefit. He said that if Mohammad the prophet were a Javanese, and the revelation from God about Islam came to a Javanese man, The Quran will be written in Javanese letters in Javanese language. In addition, if its comes to Urdu or Bushman people, The Quran will be written on Urdu or Bushman language. My father point is no matter were, when or to whom it comes, the most important things is what actual message its carry. God is limitless and cannot even measure by anything, but the message comes in human language and human were given mind by God to interpret it base on every human circumstance.  God itself gave flexibility in Its message to correspond to every human present situation available, God never complain about the human interpretation as long as human understand the real meaning of that message was. If human understand it fully, God will came and lean side-by-side the human toward its goal.


    From many example, I can conclude that radicalism and fanatical toward something can make things worst and far from better. If that something we are using just for ourselves, the impact maybe were good only for ourselves but the impact were not always good for other. As we see now, the radical fanatical movement has become a boomerang to Islam. They are not making Islam better but make Islam worst than ever because now Islam were associated and often related with terrorism, chaos, human right abuse, poverty and war ultimately brought a complete decline on Islamic civilization. It is a very unfortunate because Islam as I know and many non-radical-fanatical Moslem know is a religion with a great compassion & tolerance toward diversity, toward other religion, and upholds human right down to its core. The Great Salahuddin-al-Ayubbi or Saladin were known toward his enemies as a compassionate & chivalric man who is very steadfast to his religion teaching and practice it toward anyone even his enemies. Harun-al-Rasyid were one of the Caliph who is using himself as an example of his religion teaching and maintain justice because an amazement toward his religion from other. Kublai Khan were one of the great Chinese Emperor who is said to be Moslem, practice Islamic teaching on his personal life  and becoming a great example toward his subordinate so his subordinate were very loyal to him even though their religion were different.


    The key is not forcing people to follow you and your method in religion but be an example and let the light & grace of God came out from your daily life everyday. Even if the radicals finally achieved their goal with their method and make everyone bow to them, what they felt were not peace from obeying God but peace from fear against the radicals. That what happens on Afghanistan when the Taliban regime rule the country, the people has lost their culture, their education and their personal life. That will happen on any other place were the radical & fanatical movement grew strong.


    I am writing this not because I hate that radical fanatical movement or people who is joining them. I am writing this not to mock their belief, their method or their faith. I wrote this just because I hate when someone personal belief were forcing to enter into our social life, our authority, our law, our daily life, our policies, our political issue, our economical issue, and any aspect of interaction and life apart from their own personal life. For me what is personal is personal, we can only shared it or give it as a suggestion toward others not forcing them to do it because in many kind, my cases were different from your case, my life were different from your life, my experience were different from your experience and even my personality were different from yours. Every human has its own unique things that differ itself from other and make them “human” as we call it now. We cannot force human to become one single entity with only using my or your single mind.


    Last of it, the question arise…can we became one single human race with so much differences between us? I believe we can, because we can be unite in diversity as long as we realize we are all human equal in front of God Or we are all human with many unique aspect and every aspect we have can be use to help each other for the sake of humanity. After all, we human are “one winged angel” and we have to depend on each other so we can fly.


    We have to thanks that we are still human…

    Posted at 3/26/2007 12:20:39 pm by The Beloved Lucifiel
    Comment (1)  

    Celebrating 4 year of war in Iraq & 6 year of war against terrorism)

    It has been 4 year of war and chaos in Iraq beginning from American invasion until this day and the escalating conflict were far from end. What we see today in Iraq is not a stable country with a great culture, civilized, democratic and of course, healthy nation just as the promise of America after "Operation Iraqi Freedom" but a scorched, battered, and ruined nation filled with terror, pain and death.


    What goes wrong? Do the tactics wrong? Do the policies wrong? Does the situation & circumstance go wrong?


    According to the data of military technology, The American with its hi-tech weaponry and manpower, just need approximately couple of days and as long as a couple months to secure the area, clean the mess, rebuild the rest and extract from there. However, the reality as you can see now is The U.S Troop are stuck in there without even know when the hostility end or will end. Although President George.W.Bush are asking the Congress to give more and more fund & manpower to be sent down to make sure the peace will come at last in Iraq, many people doubt it will end. Many more believe that it will never end as long as America forces still there. Many of people in the whole world even in America criticized President Bush decisions. Celebrating these 4 years of war, people rallying themselves on a demonstration against war in Iraq and ask America to pull their troops out of Iraq.


    For me, this series of even was a wonderful even…..why? Because it's the first military blunder America has made in the 21st century. It is also the example of the failure of a military strategy up into the basic level. Pardon me; I am not a general or even a military practitioner; I just a commoner who happened to love military strategy books and military history so much; and as a commoner, I just gave my opinion just as other commoner would gave, plain and simple. For detail opinion or in-depth opinion about it… I gave it to military academy graduate or other expert on the field, because they have the requirement needed to make it.


    If you ask me why I consider it a fatally failure campaign, here the deal.


    First, the U.S Forces has lost their initiative, they took too long to secure the area more than their timetable ever predicted. This overscheduled time proves very fatal to the rest of the campaign because overtime need additional fund, manpower, ammo, and don't forget casualty because most of the casualties in this campaign comes from the overtime. If you think the area were already secured when President Bush announce that the major battle were over and won, for me the area is secure IF AND ONLY IF the hostility ceased to existed and there is no more hostile forces ever present in the area…a total, complete and maximum area control. The overtime also increase population dissent inside and outside that area, this is showed by the increasing of chaos inside Iraq and increasing of protest on the whole world against American invasion toward Iraq. Eventually, this dissent will spark open hostility toward America or American and the new wave of terrorism appear. The so-called terrorist itself were far from defeat on this campaign, they just had a major drawback on their plan but so far I believe they still well alive and still can wreak havoc on Iraq or anywhere against America.


    Second, the longer the campaign, the more complicated the issue that present. In the first days or months of the campaign, maybe you just have to deal with maintaining peace issue, security issue, and fixing the damage issue. However, after 4 year, you have to deal with a more complicated issue such as economic inflation, poverty, health problem epidemic, mass hysteria, chaos, terror attack, starvation, separatist movement, and all because of the invasion. More complicated problem need a more specialized manpower, much more fund, and of course more complicated advance plan. For example, we need a Medical Personnel to cure certain Health Problem, not a Military Personnel and we need a Negotiator or Mediator with psychologist, sociologist and anthropologist quality or at least somebody who know the people and the place to reduce mass hysteria, chaos, or separatist movement in the area. The U.S troops certainly not ready to deal with this and thus kind of specific field. Okay, we know they do have their multi-tasking multi-role kind of ability, but to deal with a very specific and complicated issue were not their specialty. You need the right person on the right time for the right job.


    Third and final, now it is almost 6 year after the 9/11 and America has open two unfinished campaign in Afghanistan & Iraq (and i just learned that they also trying to open another campaign in Iran as well. Why I called unfinished, because most of the U.S troops still try to maintain peace there without even know when it would end. Okay, we can say that the Afghanistan campaign is almost over with reduces of chaos and hostilities but the impact from this campaign were far from over.  It will be a big bullshit if the impact were not felt on the country was the campaign happened. It will be a bigger bullshit if the impact were not even felt on America. Sooner or later, smaller or bigger, the impact will be feel by America, American Soil or Americans wherever the were, and when that happens, the victory from the campaign will be covered by the defeat from the impact. For the start, the social life in America were turning toward worst side rather than better side with a false prejudice against Islam, Moslem, Arabs, or Major Islamic Country people, insecurity, gap generation lost because of war, and increase of national dissent that can spark more major problem. Not to mention the increasing of hatred toward America and Americans from other scapegoat country or community they condemned. Adding it toward the impact and you got everyone ready to stab you in your back, waiting to found a right moment for the beginning of your end.


    I know it not my right to say this because I really know that revenge toward 9/11 is a must for America, but ancient saying said that "let not your anger consume you, lest it would lead you to your doom". Sun Tzu also says that wage a war IF and ONLY IF you really know your capability, you really know your enemies capability, you know your terrain, and you really know you will win for real, and above all, you know you can win for real without sending your troops or unleash your weapon.


    I hope everyone especially me can study from this case so we can be more patient to preserve & maintain peace in our little world.


    "Patient is Virtue"

    Posted at 3/26/2007 12:10:25 pm by The Beloved Lucifiel
    Comment (1)  

    Death to all

    Many human says, “Life is cheap, easy as it goes….but in truth, I think death is cheap. If we want to think about it, to bring life or to maintain, keeping or obtain life is tougher that its look. It took thousand and thousand of anything we have to keep something living, alive well being. For an instance, we have to had electricity if we want to keep our home lamp bright, we need some battery to keep our MP3 Player function properly, we even need fuel and dynamo to keep our car working properly……… so much for it every time and every hour of our life fighting for living. Health insurance, car insurance and many thing we spend just to make sure our life secure……. To make sure we are living prosperously happily ever after.


    Death in other hand was different. The word death itself was an enemy to most of our ear. It is strictly forbidden, perilous, and scary word to say, they even can make people think you are insane if you keep repeating that word and say that you love it so much. One thing for sure is death is cheaper than life. You do not need special occasion to taste death; you do not even need an expense to get it. There too many ways to taste death, many more ways to get it and can happen in any time, anywhere to anyone.


    If we want to think about it, death can be happen through anything. We can be dead via old ages, accident, killed, or suicide. The method of how to be death and the instrument of death expanded into some knowledge to us, human. It is amazing that the human even think to make a beautiful & glorious death ever happen to them, even developed many thing that can make a certain death for sure.


    So just like Agatha Christie’s Novel, we can achieve death by so many ways, from car accident, motor accident, cut by sword, gunshot, bomb explosions, cyanide, mustard gas, bio-chemical gas, nuclear attack and even by stepping on a banana peels…….. and then we realize that death are more cheaper than we ever think.




    What do you think?

    Are you ready if the time comes to face the death? Are you started to enjoy the harsh of your life, realizing that death is just a millimeter away for your life? Are you started to think death is a release from all your hardship and you thinking to suicide? Do you afraid of death because you realize how powerless you are in front of it? or you afraid because you don’t know were you going after it……….

    Posted at 3/26/2007 11:47:37 am by The Beloved Lucifiel
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    Wednesday, December 06, 2006
    it's been a long time to wrote

    i beg you pardon since it's been so long i deserted this place to do my duties out there. and i simply don't have any material lately to wrote something interesting in the net. Hope to find something special to reader outhere.

    Posted at 12/6/2006 2:22:34 pm by The Beloved Lucifiel
    Comments (2)  

    Thursday, October 27, 2005
    some funny thing i found about fasted

    There is something that makes me laugh, cry, and also confuse on the same time this morning, something truly amazing that maybe I will remember for most of my days to comes.

    I was sitting in front of my computer, playing (of course)……I happen to play Simcity 4 when suddenly I heard noise coming from the front of my house. That noise was a call from the mosque near my house, and its break the silence with it’s awfully distortion coming from a bad speaker…… Usually I ignored them, and let them mingle with their own business……but this time; there is something different about it. Something truly deserves some attention.

    The people on the mosque keep calling people (with its badly damage and hampered speaker) to prepare sahur meal (sahur is the event everyday to prepare and eat the meal before you go to begin your fast). It keep calling people, over and over again…..reminding them to remember sahur, remember that this is Ramadhan Month, a holy month, a month full of grace that your sin will be cut in a half if you do good, etc, etc, etc

    Then some questions arise in my mind;

    First, why they called that this Ramadhan is a holy month? Are other month are not holy? Why this month is holy? What make this month holy? Are this month is God? Because all I know only God deserve the title holy or sacred……….

    Second, they keep calling that because this is a holy month, a month full of grace that your sin will be cut in a half if you do good……so why I have to follow the religion law and do good for the whole years if I only get my sin cut and forgiven only in this month?… better do good ONLY and ONLY in this month, because all my sin a whole years will be wipe out in this month……………so why don’t we kill people, stab them in their back, destroy some nation, rape some women, etc, etc, etc for a whole years do bad thing……..and by only give our zakat, do good, and fasted IN THIS MONTH,…….hola!!!! We got all our sin a whole years vanishes and forgiven……is that nice? 11 month we doing sin all the way, and this Ramadhan Month, we were forgiven because we do good, fasted, and give our zakat……….that’s not nice, that’s WONDERFULL!!!!!!! REALLY REALLY WONDERFULL!!!!!

    Third, they keep calling people, women, man, student, father, mother, etc, etc, etc to prepare the sahur meal, sahur, keep remembering them this is a fast month…….then I remember that some Kyai, Ustadz, and other powerful religion figure (kyai and ustadz were a religion teacher) always praised Indonesia as the biggest Islamic dominated majority nation, and also the most steadfast to with its faith regarding Islam and its ritual…….so if they were so steadfast with it, why they have to be awakened up? Why they have to be remembered that this month is a fast month? Why? They were a steadfast Moslem…….they supposedly already know that this is a holy month of Ramadhan, they don’t need to be awakened or remembered because they supposedly already know their duty in Ramadhan month…….only a child, a not steadfast people need to be remembered every days about their duty………………so are the Indonesian were a child? Or is because they were sooooooooooooooooooooo steadfast they forgot that this is a Ramadhan month and forgot their duty? Or maybe Indonesian not know why they have to fast So here come some conclusion of it……………..If Indonesian as the acclaimed most steadfast and religious people have to be awakened from their sleep to begin their daily fast ritual, then how about the other people that not as steadfast as Indonesian is?

    Observer out (still with question in his mind of course)

    Posted at 10/27/2005 2:17:11 am by The Beloved Lucifiel
    Comment (1)  

    Thursday, July 21, 2005
    Another Enlightment……..or ………………Another Trend That Soon Fade Away?

    There a nice film I see lately on the theatre. The film called “Gie” based from Soe Hok Gie diary entitled “Catatan Harian Seorang Demonstran” (for those who don’t know Soe Hok Gie, he is one of the leaders of the demonstration against Soekarno’s regime back in the 60’s. He is a student from University of Indonesia, Faculty of Letter [now Faculty of Cultural Science], and Majoring in History…………..and if you are an Indonesian and doesn’t know about this………. where have you been for all the time of your life??? You should at least dig your history material and find out about it…except you are an Indonesian barbarian nomadic tribe).


    I were delighted when I see this film, the filmmaker really got the soul of the time and space…..they really got the scent of Indonesia, especially Jakarta in the 60’s. I enjoy much of the show until finally I realize something….something rather strange, not about the movie, not about the filmmaker, not about the actor (despises that actor was a famous rising star young actor name Nicholas Saputra……….my friend say that he still cannot break away from the symbolical of Rangga, his early character in the famous movie AADC / Ada Apa Dengan Cinta ….he looking good in “Gie” thanks to the filmmaker that really great about building the scent……..but enough of the correction, let my friend comment it later on)…….. but more about the audience. I felt quite surprised to see many of the audience were in fact teenager about 13 to 19 with the most new trendy look……….or usually called AGJ or AGATA (Anak Gaul Jakarta/ Jakarta Spoiled Kid)……I quite surprise to see them coming to the movie, with the republish “Catatan Harian Seorang Demonstran” book at their hand to see their nation’s chapter of dark history………………….


    But then again, I ask myself…why this AGJ interested suddenly in this thing….a thing that they usually prefer to ignore………(well many AGJ were rather bad in the historical lesson)………..why this happen?


    Then I remember the question of my friend when she become a moderator for “Gie” movies campaign in my campus…….it’s not a coincidence to say that the filmmaker were corporate with The Historical Club from University of Indonesia, Faculty of Cultural Science, History Department… friend ask this to the audience…….”do you come here to see and learn about Soe Hok Gie?? Or just want to see Nicholas Saputra and ask for his autograph??”………………you can guess the answer for yourself, most of the audience were agree that they want to see Nicholas Saputra and the rest of the actor rather than learn and see Soe Hok Gie……’s a shame thought……..


    Now….as I dive deeper and deeper to the AGJ data, I was sad to see that they don’t even knew what they’re seeing or read. They just see “Gie” not because they interested in him or want to know more about his spirit…….they just see it because they want to see the cast of the movie. The same goes with the book, they want to buy it just to show everyone that they have the book…whether or not they understand the real meaning stored in the book. Everything just a trend for they to follow……what saddens me more.

    When I entered the theatre again to learn more about it, I hear people talking…”eh Nico keren yah …Nico gitu loh….blablabla…etc” (Nico were soooo cool…….blablabla…etc). And the conversation goes on after they came out from the theatre…… “Eh….udah punya bukunya blon??.........udah  tuh…………rada boring sih isinya, but anyway gambar Nico di situ keren………lagian kalo ndak punya kan gw bisa dianggap  ndak ngikutin………..blablablabla….etc” (sorry it’s hard for me to translated most of it)……...


    I was silent when I hear it……..I can’t speak anything……..then I pass by some magazines stall, and I saw how the media promote the film greatly……..when I looked inside, I see how they forgot about the spirit of Soe Hok Gie. Rather than speaking of him, they lok toward the commercial side, and of course the mainstream side, that is of course more about the cast or so. Most of the media especially the youth magazine were only post the stuff of the film and the cast……rather than the true meaning and the pain of the film….the true meaning and the pain that Soe Hok Gie felt when he wrote his diary.


    I don’t blame Riri Reza & Mira Lesmana, the filmmaker for all of this…….they were gambling to make this movie, gambling with their life at stake because some material of this film were forbidden to show in the public, save to make. The PKI Flag (PKI stand for Partai Komunis Indonesia or Indonesia Communist Party), the Genjer-Genjer song…that were forbidden this day by the law….and of course by the public authority such as the police, the MUI, and so on…and need more than a letter of permission to get the material done, because the material maker itself were afraid to make it…lest that they were judge as communist and got caught.


    I don’t blame the cast either…….they work their way hard on this film……to get the aura of the dark period of Indonesia need more than a struggle to life……and I as the audience, appreciate what they work so hard……..they make me remember the war I once felt on the early years of my campus… years generation were the last to face the war to change this nation.


    I just………….sad to see how ignorance this generation has become….the so called AGJ generation……….I was relieved to see how they not even care about their history….save to care their nation…they forgot that their happiness were a result of many sacrifice done by a people like Soe Hok Gie………..they happy state were in fact a goal that people like Soe Hok Gie trying to make……so the future children of Indonesia don’t suffer like Soe Hok Gie suffer………………………..I just see the AGJ generation only care about their cloth, their trend, and of course they shape….a shape soon vanish when the time comes.



    I ended this with one quote by an anonymous historian that says……”The people that forgot and ignore their nation history were lesser than a barbaric people”

    Posted at 7/21/2005 10:53:02 pm by The Beloved Lucifiel
    Comments (8)  

    Arrogance?.......or simply Ignorance?

    I wake up this morning feeling staggered…….very cold today indeed. As I look into the sky, the nature seems cloudy again, seem like going to be rain soon enough. Then I wondered myself……this is the month of July isn’t it? Then how come it still raining heavily because we are in the middle of dry season? Yesterday were raining, the day before yesterday were more and more raining……………and today were not differ than yesterday…….there’s been heavily intense rain for about a week or so


    Then I question myself…….what the problem……what happen to the Mother Nature? And then I question myself again…… this the way how nature want to taught us? To remember us how arrogance we become? To make us realized how small we are in the presence of nature? To let us see that we were merely a dust in the wind?


    Well…….human has been very arrogance lately…….I see many report about illegal logging, a powerful country that doesn’t want to sign and act for the new environment act, people who like to litter everywhere, some top artist cloth with a endangered animal species soon to be extinct, and pollution from some spoiled little brat (my friend use to called them AGJ or AGATA – stand for Anak Gaul Jakarta / Jakarta Trend Kid) modification car...............and the list goes on


    I hear people in many TV channel urged people to keep the environment healthy, but I doubt many will hear about it. Maybe many will do it because it is the trend for today… when there is a large scale earthquake in Aceh and everybody push forward to help……..but how about for tomorrow? Do human really care? Do we really care? Or maybe we only care when it’s already threaten us, our existence….but if it is right, maybe it’s already to late.


    Every time I remember about this problem, I always imagine human as a great locust swarm, they migrate from one place to another, they thrash the field…..and they move on to another field to thrash it again….and the cycle goes on. The locust doesn’t even care about planting back for further use……


    Do Human the so-called “The finest of God’s Creation” were fallen so low like a locust? And then again, do human ourselves, our believe that make us fallen….because we are believe we are the finest creation and so we can do anything we want as the finest of all creation? And we forget about balance between chaos and order of nature?


    And then…the nature get pissed of, launching a series of campaign against human with all the nature got on its sleeve…….earthquake, tsunamis, tornado everywhere………and then, after all the catastrophes, we human finally realize the need to preserve the nature……………………………….or do we? Or we just angry and blame it to God? (Yeah…..blame it to God!!! God doesn’t care does He!!! Or maybe He care but we doesn’t want to hear His warning because our arrogance and ignorance)………….or we blame it to the government….or somebody else as long as we got a scapegoat to blame……and then human ….will never grow up. Do human really need a redeemer?

    Posted at 7/21/2005 10:50:10 pm by The Beloved Lucifiel
    Comment (1)  

    Monday, May 09, 2005

    I had enough of all this mess, no more doing the more trying to help somebody in more even care about all of it......
    i decided to take a break, quit, and repairing my life.............. out of this kind of mess
    had to move on............doing the best for a long run.........]
    ............and yes, i'm not sealing myself.....i just need a very long vacation.......disappear for a while, enjoying myself & of course my life..........not thinking about any of it
    just meditate........and have some fun

    Posted at 5/9/2005 12:07:02 am by The Beloved Lucifiel
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    Tuesday, May 03, 2005
    ..............what happened with me???????

    for the past few weeks or so, i keep asking myself.....what am i, who am i, what is wrong with me.......

    i know i tried so hard to fixs my problem, try so hard to complete my circle

    ......and suddenly i let loose my dark nature that i tried to be remain sealed in my body.......and then you can guest....shit happen.....i'm falling into my darker mind and i do the darker thing...

    i don't know how to describe it....but i know i breaking my rule, trespassess the border that i made, and i'm too reckless...trying so hard to take away the pain of my system

    after that....i try to iniciated my self-destruct sequence, blaming and blaming myself for all the ruins i made......but i can't....

    the self destruct sequence were canceled by something i don't even know what it is ( may be GOD???don't know), and i am...........sitting on ashes and wearing a sackcloth......blaming all to myself for all the ruins.....

    how can i redeem? how can i blot all the sin i'm doing? how can i fixs the ruins i made?

    i ask to GOD why GOD made me........

    i ask to GOD why i have this.....why i can't become just a simple human like everyone else, or at least become just a simple standard newtype just like every newtype i meet.......

    why o my dear GOD, why..............i still alive with this kind of state.... You put "The Most Beloved" into my body..... You gave this hardship...beyond anything i have dreamed about........

    what i really am? who i really am......please answer me my beloved GOD......

    Posted at 5/3/2005 12:14:36 am by The Beloved Lucifiel
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    Sunday, April 17, 2005

    I dont know why, for the past weeks 'till now i felt something wrong and i cannot describe why i feel it.

    I admit for the past weeks and so, i spend my time practicing Theater, preparing preformance for MURI (Indonesia Record Museum) 24 Hour Record Breaking Theaterical Performance, and i work for 2 different Theater......Theater Teladan (because i'm a member of it since my Highschool & i'm starting online again in it) and Theater UI (because that's my campus Theater & my junior in Theater Teladan who were also study in my campus found out my existence). The performance work successfull, everyone happy, the record were broke out, and greeting each other.............................................

    But...........somehow.........i feel grief......i feel sorrow, pain in my chest.........and another emotional unstability...................seem like, i have to go...........that my time where so short........and loneliness even to know the fact that i'm in the middle of a big celebration......

    I try to keep low, keep everything check, keep to handle all the feeling inside, keep to stay focus for my work and go on with it..........but i can't even handle myself when i watch "Hitam Putih" performance in the stage........i'm so absorb in it until tears suddenly flow from my eyes.

    I know the burden i'm carrying where such a heavy one and until now, no one can carry it except me.............but i'm grow too tired to carry it myself without anyone helping or at least anyone to become my companion along the way to ease my pain.

    I'm sorry God if i such a cry-baby, but i can't run away from the fact that i have my own flaw
    Please, give me strength at least for today so i can make it through the day

    Posted at 4/17/2005 10:16:18 pm by The Beloved Lucifiel
    Comment (1)  

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